Over my years of coaching, I've realised that a lot of helping people, whether that's a client, a friend or yourself, comes down to one skill. Taking something vague and making it specific.

Luke and I went into this with our students in one of our live Activation Workshops. It sounds simple. It's one of the most useful things we teach, and most of us skip it every day.

You can't change what you can't see

Think about how most problems sound when someone first says them out loud. "I just feel stuck." "Things aren't working." "I'm not happy with where I'm at."

Those feelings are real. But you can't do much with them yet. They're too big and too far out of reach, so the mind goes round in circles trying to solve something it can't quite see.

The moment you ask "stuck with what, specifically?" something changes. Stuck becomes "I haven't booked a client in a month." Not happy becomes "I dread Monday mornings." Now there's something in front of you that you can actually work with.

A lot of the time, once you see exactly what the thing is, it starts to solve itself. The hard part was never the problem. It was not knowing what the problem was.

Everyone deletes, distorts and generalises

The same thing happens every time two people talk. Whether it's a session with a client, a chat with a friend, a family dinner or a room full of people, everyone is filtering what they hear. We delete parts of it, we distort parts of it, and we generalise the rest.

So the words you say are not always the words the other person hears. And the same goes for you when you're the one listening.

We're quick to assume. Someone starts talking, we decide we know where it's going, and we're already lining up our answer. Then the conversation ends, nobody feels understood, and if they came to you for help, you couldn't really give it.

Sometimes we don't even hear what was said. The room is noisy. There's a distraction. Someone good-looking walks in and suddenly you've drifted out of the conversation. Your attention is selective, and the part of the brain that decides what gets through (the reticular activating system) shifts with whatever is going on around you. It happens to the best of us.

Ask, don't assume

This is what active listening really is. Not nodding along. Asking.

That last one takes a bit of humility. It's also one of the most respectful things you can say to someone, because it tells them you'd rather understand them than look like you did.

Luke and I do this a lot in the way we communicate. We'll question each other on what someone actually said. Not because we doubt each other, but because we know how easy it is to hear what you expected instead of what was said.

Chunk down, chunk up

There are two directions you can take any piece of information.

Chunking down is how you get specific. Who, what, when, exactly. It turns a cloud into something you can hold.

Chunking up is how you find what matters. "What's the reason you're telling me this?" "What's the point of the story?" It takes you from the details to the purpose behind them.

Good communication moves between the two. Find what's important, then bring it down into the specifics.

Seek to understand before you're understood. Then make sure you are understood.

You're vague too

It works the other way as well. When we talk, we often say things that are vague and assume the other person knows exactly what we mean. Quite often they don't.

Most of the time the missing piece is context. We give the information without the reason behind it, and the other person fills the gap with their own story.

So be clear. Say who. Say what happened. Say why you're telling them.

Most triggers start as misunderstandings

This matters most when things get heated. If you're upset by something someone said, or someone's upset by something you said, check the understanding first. Maybe they misheard you. Maybe you weren't clear. Maybe one of you deleted, distorted or generalised what was said.

You see it in groups all the time. Someone says something, someone else laughs, and a third person takes it a completely different way.

We all have a different model of the world. We value different things and carry different past experiences into every conversation. You can't control that. You can do your best to be clear and respectful, and someone will still react to something you said.

When that happens, it's on them to get clear on what you actually meant, and to notice that what came up for them came from their own model of the world. The same goes for you when you're the one reacting.

Step back before you react

What makes all of this possible is awareness. Being able to step back from a moment instead of being swept along by it.

When something someone says hits you, take a breath. Give yourself a second to come out of the reaction. Then ask yourself: what did they actually say? Why is it affecting me? Did I hear it right? Do I need to ask more questions?

That one pause is often the difference between an argument and an understanding.

Try this this week

  1. Pick one thing that's bothering you and write it down in one sentence. Then ask "what, specifically?" until it's something you could act on.
  2. In your next real conversation, ask at least one "what, specifically?" question before you give your view.
  3. If you miss something, say so. "Sorry, I missed that. Can you say it again?"
  4. Before you explain something, say why you're telling them. Give the context first.
  5. Next time something someone says sets you off, take a breath and ask whether you heard it right before you answer.

Most of what feels hard to fix feels hard because it's still vague. Get specific, and a lot of the time it starts to solve itself.

Jacob Stringa is the co-founder of Quantum Key Institute and co-creator of the Quantum Key Method. He and Luke Stringa run live Activation Workshops each week for QKI students. Read more about Jacob.